Early October I made flight reservation to fly to Seattle, WA for a Zen retreat. The next day at work I found that I'd be the only supervisor at the work on that day since the other 3 were already scheduled to be away. I had to run to the computer and cancel the reservation. Thank the Gods Expedia allows cancellation with full refund within 24 hours. I was bummed but releived. Especially in light of having paid for reservation to travel to the UK back in March and having to cancel it effectively forteiting the whole $700+. Oh well it was the right thing to do and "after all.... it's just money." Right? Grrr!!!

I'm now, again, scheduled to fly to Seatle tomorrow for a Zen meditation retreat, and LO & BEHOLD my father had to have serious surgery on Monday and is on the verge of death. Surprisingly he made it through the surgery alive. Now the recovery period in ICU will be long and very touch-and-go. I'm okay if he lives, or if he dies. He has been an invalid with severe dementia since the day Katrina struck the shores of New Orleans. Death would actually be a relief. New Orleans was "struck" and Daddy got a "stroke." lol.... (flat humor).

So the question remains... do I stay or do I go? If I go and Daddy dies I'll have to leave Seattle early ($$$$); come home and pack-up my suit etc and head to Texas. If I don't go I can leave directly from here but I forfeit my flight to Seattle and miss the retreat again. I also miss visiting with my ex in Seattle for a second time.

I'm told that the first 72 hrs after such surgery are the most critical. It has now been just over 48 hrs and by the time I leave for Seatle it will be 72 hrs.

I'm packing my shit and taking it to work with me. If Daddy's still alive at 4pm I'm heading to LAX and Seattle.

This reminds me of leaving for vacation to Germany back in 2005. I was talking with my Mom as Hurricane Rita was hitting her house and the line went dead. The next morning I had to leave for Germany. Finally when I got to Germany I was able to reach family who were able to verify that Mom and her home was left intact.

Life can often times be very edgy.

Only 17 days until I get to meet my puppy and bring her home. It looks as if I'll be driving out to Orem, Utah to get her. It's a 10 hour drive each way. What was I thinking; right?

I'll probably go on the 17th and return on the 18th, spending the night in Las Vegas.

Anyone up to taking a ride with me?

Roy

I quite naturally discovered mastrubation when I was in the 5th grade; all on my own. Since then I've hardly gone a week without ( Read more )

I get a picture of my puppy on a weekly basis; even a little more often than that. She sure is getting to be awful cute.




Latest possibilities in the search for a name: Millie

Once I had completed the 3-day Zen meditation retreat I had to, immediately, rush from the Zendo to Cypress, CA where I was initiated into the Tribe of Men-who-love-men (MWLM) Shamans, Death-Walkers, Magicians and Profits and Energy Healers. This was the final event at the end of a year-long training in The Unnamed Path by Rev. Hyperion. I studied and practiced the magical and healing arts with three other MWLM brothers with whom I became very close and we are permanently joined at the heart with each other and with Hyperion.

While the 3-day Zen retreat (see post below) was a life changing event, nothing matches the pride that has come from the experience gained in this path of spiritual exploration as a gay man. We learned about and explored the profound love and healing energy that is truly unique to gay men. WOW!!! What a blast. What a self-affirming process. It was truly a profoundly healing experience.

An essential process involved in learning this path was to gain a new relationship with nature and the wonders and the powers at our fingertips in nature.

I think our mostly urban-centric culture suffers from what can only be characterized by the word "Syndrome." I think I'll suggest to the psychiatric field a new diagnosis; "Nature Deprivation Syndrome." Let your minds ponder that.

Get back to nature and discover the wonders lurking just beneath the surface of everything you see there.

On Sunday at 4:00pm I completed my first Zen Meditation Retreat. Unfortunately it was not in some isolated mountain or desert retreat center. It was just my own local Zen Center. I've read so much about the benefits of meditation and have, in the past, experimented with Kriya Yoga meditation with positive results. About 12-14 months ago I visited this Zen center (Golden Wind Zen Center) here in Long Beach. After attending regular Zen practice sessions on most Thursday evenings 7-9:30, and sometimes on Sunday's 9-11:30 I took the leap of faith and registered for the 3-day retreat this occurs about every 2-3 months at this Zen center.

I had romantic ideas of how blissful it would be sitting in meditation for hours on end just escaping from this dimension of existence into the nothingness that exists between the thoughts that go on automatically day and night in my mind. We started each day with 108 bows (OMG my legs are so sore) which I could do only one of the three mornings, the next time I did it on day 3 I didn't do complete forehead-to-the-floor bows and did only half (from the waist-only) bows. We meditated in 1/2 hr segments of time with 10 minute periods of walking-meditation between each sitting. There were never more than 4 sittings consecutively. We ate meals in formal Korean style on the floor from 4 bowls in graduating sizes. We had to consume all the food in our bowls, and we used tea and then water to rinse the bowls. BTW we had to drink the tea and the water with the food particles in it. LOL... wasn't as bad as it sounds.

Each day started at 7a.m. and went to 9pm and ending at 4p.m. on the third day (Sunday). Meditation is a lot more than sitting in silence; so I learned. After a couple hours it begins to feel like work, at the end of day two it felt more like torture. By 11a.m. on the third day I was ready to jump-up and run out screaming and weeping. It wasn't all bad though. The Koan interviews offered a challenge. The head dharma teacher challenged me to figure out the appropriate answer to the 1st beginner Koan which I'd been working on for several months and not really taking very serious. I got frustrated and started taking it very serious and I'm getting close to the best answer but still not there. LOL... None-the-less it was an amazing process and my mind was truly getting stuck "in the question" which is the place we are to seek and in which we are to remain during meditation. Seeking help from other members is discouraged and completely defeats the whole purpose of the Koan. LOL... I'm giggling about it as I write this. I WILL figure this bugger out if it kills me; which it wont.

Okay; Back to the suffering. My whole romantic idea of how a "Zen Retreat" was supposed to be blissful was totally and utterly shattered. It is more like mental boot-camp. After the worst patch on the morning of day three and after lunch I began to feel the fog begin to clear from my mind. By about 3:30pm as I walked out to the hut in the garden out back where the Koan interviews take place I realized that I was breathing better, I could see clearer than ever, and I could hear, seemingly, every little sound. "Ah HA!" I thought. THIS is what I was expecting to feel during the entire retreat. Only thing I had failed to realize is that I had to work at it a while before the effects started to become apparent.

The whole retreat concluded with the Zen Master walking very slowly and methodically to the alter (which is never done on normal occasions) and he picked-up that long narrow piece of solid oak that much resembled the paddle that my middle-school principle used to paddle us with. He slowly walked to the first participant seated across the Zendo from me. The Zen Master looked him in the eye and bowed deeply to him which was reciprocated by the participant. He gently placed the palm of his hand on the top of the participant's head and pushed it down and left him bent way over with his hands supporting him on the floor. Then then whacked him loudly and firmly; twice on one side of the spine and twice on the other side of the spine. The participant sat back up and they bowed to each other again. I was mildly shocked and very surprised. Well the Zen Master did the same to all the participants including me. It actually felt great. It was such a shocking way to be brought back into reality but with a new view of the world.

We then sat in a circle ate a cookie and an ice cream sandwich and shared about our experiences about what was our challenges and what we had learned. Through out the entire 3 day event we all worked together to help prepare meals, and clean up afterward; all in almost complete silence. Through most of the retreat I really was tempted to talk a lot. I wanted to get to know these people better. At the end I still didn't know that much about the, but I felt a firm connection to them. We had shared the three days in which we each fought our own deamons individually completely within the confines of our minds.

I had already registered for another 2 day retreat up in Seattle and had purchased the plane ticket, but had not sent the registration fee. I thought "Hmmm. Let me see how I feel after this 3 day retreat here in Long Beach." Today I left work at lunch hour to run to the post office and I mailed the check for the registration fee.

As I shared a little of the weekend with a co-worker who is of Japanese descent and is a psychologist. She was quite animated having heard of my experience and sent me the article from Psychology Today which discusses the benefits of "mindful meditation." This is slightly different from the meditation done in the Korean Chogye Soen order of Zen Buddhism which is the order in which I practice. None-the-less I firmly believe I get the same benefits.

Here's the link to that article. Apparently it's most important that it be done daily. Length of time in each sitting is less important than the consistency of practice. Enjoy! http://www.psychologytoday.com/em/34756

I wonder what she is thinking?

She was cyclops puppy in this one. Eyes were still not both open. :)  She's about 2 weeks old now.

















.....and what about the name "Dusty"?

If my life is going to the dogs then why not sublimate the event. 
I've decided to get a dog.  A puppy in fact. 


I was originally going to get these two, and then had a rational moment and called to let them know I had best only get the black one.

What shall I name her?  The short list of possibilities are:
Echo, Electra, Gadget, Inca, Isis, Kali, Java, Babette, Cosita, Chacha, Checkers, Dali-Mama, Domino, Nessie, Nova, Pepper, Savannah, Trinket.

BTW she is a Scottish Terrier

P.S.
To all my cat-people friends: I still love cats.  :)

Sitting at the Subway Sandwich shop this evening reading the Dalai Lama's book and waiting for time to pass before my weekly Zen practice at the Golden Wind Zen Center, just outside the window one of my totem creatures popped-up out of a shrub and just sat there talking to me.  After snapping this shot another one popped-up then they both flew away. Then I noticed beneath and inside the schrub were various veuvenile birdies who were apparently just learning to fly.  Such a sweet little encounter. 


These are the same birds that inhabit my 30-foot bamboo grove in my back yard.  They wake-up and shart chirping at sunrise then after chirping for about 45 minutes they all fly-off for the day then to return just before sunset to chrip a while prior to settling in for the night. There must be hundreds of them and all their little voices create such a din.  A quite pleasant raucous.
Simple things of life.
:)

Brother and Dog.....

Gives new meaning to "DOG PILE!!!"
Can you spot the DOG in this picture?
How about a tail and a hind leg?
My son and his step-brother LOVE their dog "Jacky".

Jacky's a black half pit-bull and half lab.
He's a dog with the patience of Job.

 

Hello LJ family.  I've been really quiet as of late.  I've had many things happening in my life.  I've also had the realization that for the most part people don't really care about the details of another person's day to day life.  I think it is a little different on LJ, but not to the degree that we think most of the time.  LOL.... That's alright, journaling is, for the most part, an exercise in self reflection and benefits the writer more than the reader in the long-run. 

For me the most significant thing happening in my life is my emerging Zen practice.  I've been practicing on Thursday nights from 7:00 - 9:30pm and Sunday mornings 9:00 - 11:00 with a small group in North Long Beach called the Golden Wind Zen Center.  It's composed of mostly men and about half of them are apparently gay.  The head Dharma teacher is for sure.  I reached the point this week where I sat for 50 minutes straight. 

 The meditation and studying of the teachings have transformed my view of the world.  I feel peace so much more of the time and I'm so happy that I found a religous practice in one of the main world religions. 

I'm still enjoying, tremendously, my work with the Unnamed Path and will soon reach a huge milestone in that tradition.  I tend to be a person that throws his heart and soul into anything he does.  Equally true is that my interests often wane after some time.  It would not surprise me if this happens with the Zen practice as well.  I'll give it a year or so and see what happens.  At this point in time, though, I am having serious thoughts about becoming a Monk in this Zen tradition.  It feels like a natural and right progression for my life. But time will tell.  It always does.  I do plan to take the first step of taking the five precepts around the first of next year. 

Love

I'm not posting very often, and I don't log on that often these days and when my membership dues came up for renewal I thought about not renewing.  But then I did.  I know I could still be here without a paid account but it wouldn't feel the same and I'd run into problems that way.
I hope I continue to keep in touch with my friends here.  The number of friends has dwindled a bit but I hope that's just temporary. 

But who knows.  Some day soon something with hit me like a bolt of lightening and I'll be back on here frequently.  :)

Take care for now and....
Blessed Be!
Kroyd

I have a small guesthouse out back of my house. For over 4 years I've had a great tenant. He's a 52 y/o gay man and we have quite a lot in common.  We've gotten to know each other quite well over the years and he always pays rent on time.

He just gave me notice that he has put a deposit on a new place. He's moving out. 

Bummer.  I'm glad for him too since I'd have to agree that he's outgrown the place.  He's so sweet; he told me he agonized about this decision and hated having to hell me, and he said that he loves me and will miss me.  LOL..... He loves, me but that doesn't mean I'm Asian enough for him to go on a date.  :)  Ha! I ain't Asian at all.  Oh well.  He's been a great tenant and a great neighbor.  I echoed his sentiments and told him not to feel bad about growing and moving-on. 

After all:  His place has been burglarized twice in the last 4 months.  I don't blame him for moving.  I guess I'll have to install a security system for the next tennants.  Good news is I get to RAISE THE RENT to about $150 more than the current rate.

Changes.  Always changes.  That's the only thing that never changes.  There are always changes.

LOL

Permanence is an illusion.

I'm still alive.  Just laying low. 
Is anyone still reading my rare postings? 

Lately I've been fantasizing  about a spiritual meditation retreat.  Yesterday I finally took action.  It was a retreat of only a couple hours, but it was rejuvenating just the same.  I love this place.


It may be too small to see, but this shows a statue of Krishna with a plaque with the inscription, "He who perceives Me everywhere and who holds everything in Me never looses sight of Me, nor do I ever loose sight of him."  The grounds at the Self Realization Fellowship Ashram in Pacific Palisades is extremely beautiful. The gardens are full of flowering and fragrant plants.  In spite of the sounds of passing traffic on Sunset Blvd, the ambiance is powerfully calming.  After one walk around the lake I found an isolated wooden bench off to the side with the below view.


I took a seat and breathed the fragrant air.  Doing pranayama breathing in this place was very energizing. Across the lake I could see the statue of the young Buddha.  After being seated for an hour and drinking-in the beauty and meditating, it was difficult to leave.  I felt as if I could sit there long enough and simply drift out of this life and into samadhi. I left there having absorbed a small piece of nirvana into my heart and soul.  I wish I could go to this place every day.  

Namaste

Kroyd

I made bread again this weekend, but that's no longer news-worthy.
I transplanted a few plants in the yard this weekend but that's no longer news worthy.
I went to my first sky-clad (nude) full moon ritual this weekend with 19 men and women, straight and bi, old and young and had a great time, but not even this is news-worthy. 
The only thing really news-worthy is......

I did the Esbat with Dick (aka Turk) and we spent our first night together Saturday night.
We had our first date on the night of the last full moon. 
I feel great!!

Met me a nice man.  We're having fun getting to know each other.

This is Richard ("Turk54" here on LJ) and his favorite room mate, "Cha cha."

The third weekend in March I had nice gentleman caller.  :)  He came down from northern California just to visit me.  I think he was also looking for an excuse to take his new Prius on the road.  I can relate to that.  :)

Ernst and I spent a Sunday afternoon at the Queen Mary. He's crazy about everything from the 1930's and 1940's.

Then the weekend of my birthday the second week of March I went out to Columbus Ohio to hang-out with another nice guy named Mike. 
He has a Scottish Terrier named Bubbles, and coincidentally Richard has a car he named Bubbles.  What coincidence!!! What does it all mean?  Mike had been out here on business and took time to visit with me too.  So I thought I'd repay the favor. 


I have been so very blessed to have met such wonderful men lately. 

I also have a great group of friends at a weekly meeting Friday nights and we all go out to eat.  The restaurant staff probably cringe when they see us walk-in.  We just laugh and carry-on like children.  I mean belly-laughs.  

Put that with working with a lot of great folks, along with my kids and their Mom and Dad and the guys in my Shaman class I have to admit I have a truly charmed life.   By-golly I think I have a fambly!!!

Was taking surface streets home after a day from hell at the clinic with a huge headache.  The red light just appeared out of no where. Dammed those suddenly-appearing-red-lights.  Everyone is okay, and the other car is a LOT less damaged.
My poor baby has a black-eye!!!


Roy's Auto accident 2009.  I've had a speeding ticket and an accident in the first 4 months of the year.  That should do me for another 14 years.

I got AAA to tow it to the local Toyota dealership for body-work. It was a bit after 6:00pm and I couldn't think of anything else to do with it.  Then I called several friends and found one to come pick me up and give me a ride home.

Tomorrow morning I have a big audit of the small program I coordinate and I can NOT be late, or call in sick.  So it's public transit for me tomorrow. But I think I'll leave a couple hours early to take care of business.

Alas.... this is why I pay so much money for insurance.  The other driver was at least a cute Latino boy about 26 years old and polite.  I guess I should have offered a hug to help make it better.  His car had VERY LITTLE damage.  If I were him and I had his 2002 GMC suv I wouldn't even fix it. I'd just use the insurance money to party.  But then I'm not 26 y/o anymore either.

Does anyone ever struggle with impulsive spending?  I don't think I really have a huge problem, but occasionally I do see something I absolutely HAVE TO have.  Even if I try to forget about it I can't.  This Friday morning I was waiting for the repair man to show-up and ended up browsing eBay.  This is a bad way to pass idle time.  :) 
Everybody needs one of these!  Right?



Just a LITTLE 10 pound crystal ball.  Don't every suddenly die of envy. Okay?  Actually I'm still excited and look forward to having this item.



Not yet content, and being faced with the much overlooked iPhone problem,  REALLY BAD PHONE RECEPTION.  Bad thing is that I am totally in love with everything else about the device.  I can't imagine living without it.  (Alright; so I can imagine it, but wouldn't want to).  I decided to take a leap of faith and UPGRADE to the new model.

Okay. The picture may be a bit deceiving. I didn't throw it away.  I wouldn't do that.  But I do have one question.

What does one do with their old iPhone after upgrading to the new model?  No one else I know is stupid enough to have AT& T cell service.
MORE BARS IN MORE PLACES?!?!  Baaaahh HUMBUG!!!

It does seem that the newer model is just a wee bit better than the first generation.  Let's hope it turns out to be even better.